Update: Brian the Alien returns home

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  • Updated 5 months ago
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Many have been asking about the fate of Brian, the erstwhile mascot for Exede Internet. We feel you should know the whole story:

Who is Brian, the alien who fell to Earth bearing Exede Internet? Why does he eat cats? Is he really an ‘exchange student?’ How did he come to be living at the home of the Bigsford-Cunninghams? What drives his insatiable appetite? Will he ever learn table manners? Where are his parents? How did he come by the Exede technology? Does he speak?

It may be simple to conclude that Brian the Alien is a child, but he’s actually quite old in Earth years. He came here from the Q27Quadrant while selling high-speed Internet planet-to-planet for the ζ (unpronounceable symbol) club at his school — roughly the equivalent of selling popcorn for the Boy Scouts here on Earth. The fundraiser involves use of his dad’s Quark-O-Matic — a wormhole generator as common as a toaster on his home planet, ξ (unpronounceable symbol roughly translated as “Makh”).

Looking to make his last sale of the day, Brian mis-keyed some coordinates and came through a wormhole that opened right near Snowmass,Colorado nearly 10,000 years ago. He discovered rather quickly that the Ute people in the area at the time had no desire for high-speed Internet (or much in the way of electricity, for that matter), but when he returned to go back through the wormhole, he found it had closed, and then he dropped the hand-held wormhole activator into a stinking pit of tar and bones. Taken in by a family of mastodons (or mammoths — he could never tell the difference), Brian lived in primitive bliss for several decades until he decided to go dormant in a cave and wait things out. Millennia passed, his cave was covered with silt, clay, tar and expired megafauna, and it wasn’t until the excavation of the“Snowmasstodon” site in 2010 that Brian was awakened, good as new, to return to his fundraising activities.

Happily, he found that during his rest, Earth had indeed developed things necessary to his mission: electricity, the Internet, etc. He made his way to Englewood, Colorado where he found some people who were happy to help spread the word about his high-speed Internet technology. He called it MorgflabørgWipflit; the Earthlings called it “Exede.” (And, later, “Viasat Internet.”)

Still a child at heart, Brian was taken in by a kind family in a nearby suburb, where he was given the name “Brian” and introduced as an“exchange student” from Estonia. The Bigsford-Cunninghams later adopted him and learned to cope with some of his many eccentricities.

 A few things to know about Brian Bigsford-Cunningham

• Brian’s home planet of Makh was destroyed when the star at the center of its solar system went supernova. Young Makhans, however, have the emotional range of starfish, and grieving isn’t a big thing for Brian.

• Brian’s enormous appetite stems from his many thousands of years in his dormant phase. Makhans have the ability to shut down their entire body for indefinite periods of time, but takes many Earth months for them to fully rejuvenate themselves.

• Brian can talk, but the sounds of his native tongue is extremely painful to humans, so he prefers to remain mute most of the time. He is learning some words of English, although the sounds of his rudimentary utterances did cause some aural bleeding to those around him.

• A cat-like creature on Makh is a food staple for Brian’s people, so it’s been tough for him to resist making a meal of Mittens. Even so, he is learning to adapt by eating other things. In fact, Mrs.Bigsford-Cunningham has yet to find anything he won’t eat.

Update, 2018

When the Bigsford-Cunninghams took the family skiing over the Christmas break in Snowmass, Brian expressed an interest in seeing where he’d come from all those years ago. Upon exploring the caved-in remains of the spot where he’d gone dormant for so many years, Brian noticed a slight glow in one of the rocks. Upon inspection, he determined it was one of the Montanium crystals key to forming wormholes. With a little tinkering, he was able to graft the crystal into the electronics of a Mr. Coffee machine and get it working again.

After some tearful good-byes to his adopted family, Brian activated the wormhole and returned to his place and time. In fact, he was home for dinner on the same day he’d left. But when his Alien Mama (not her real name) asked him how his day was, he replied with that time-worn, galaxy-crossing teen reply we all know and love: “Nuthin’.”

Good-by Brian! 

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Alex, Viasat Corporate Communications

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Posted 2 years ago

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